Chapter 22

Zalli kept her eyes closed as she crawled her way into the icy atmosphere. She kept her mind focused as she concentrated only on meeting her shadow self within the next level of her subconscious.

As the seconds passed, the air changed into an odd sense of warmth—it was no longer cold, but there was no heat either. She stood up and opened her eyes, only to see darkness. Her heart picked up in pace at the unsettling gloom of the unknown surrounding her.

“Hello?”

Zalli spoke. She wanted to fill in the void with her voice while also testing the air to learn if her doppelgänger was present.

“Hello.”

She heard a feminine voice appear next to her. Her stomach compressed into a tight flex. She turned to face the direction she thought the voice came from, but she had no genuine sense of its location.

Zalli bit her lip in concentration. With a deep inhalation to calm her buzzing mind, she chose her first question to tackle the issue at hand.

“Are you, uh, the thing I’m looking for?”

A giggle appeared at what Zalli assumed was the opposite side she was facing. She whipped herself around and waited for a response.

“Depends. What are you looking for?”

“My shadow self.”

The young woman compressed her lips into a thin line. She had the impression that this would not be a compliant and straightforward conversation.

“You want to know if I am the shadow version of you?”

“Yes.”

“Difficult to know. I can’t answer that.”

Zalli crossed her arms and tapped her foot to release some energy. Her repetitive action produced no sound.

“Wh-why not?”

Humming materialized above her head in a short melody. Then its voice spoke.

“You have to decide that. I only exist. Whatever I am is up to you.”

Zalli experienced an ache simmering in her head. She inhaled another deep breath and released a heavy sigh. Even though she meant to calm her nerves, her speech came rushed out. The looming threat of limited time made it difficult to keep a calm mind. In addition, this thing’s unaccommodating nature did not help with her predicament.

“Can you at least show yourself to me?”

Silence. Zalli zipped her eyes around as she waited for some type of response. When none came, she moved forward and turned herself in circles. She thought it was the only thing she could do, since the only thing she could do was control herself.

“I am.”

The young woman cursed under her breath. The thing’s voice appeared by her side again, but this time it sounded like she was within her ear.

“But—I can’t see you.”

“It’s because you don’t want to see me.”

Zalli pressed her teeth together with force.

“I do, I do want to see you.”

The tension in her voice was clear. When the thing responded, it sounded further away this time.

“You haven’t removed the darkness, though? You have all the power here. However, you want to see me is up to you.”

The confusion in its voice was unmistakable to Zalli. The young woman brought her head down in thought.

She wondered if the thing was telling her she had the power to control the actuality of the subspace they were in. Taking a chance, Zalli imagined a spotlight shining on her from above.

Within seconds, the soft light appeared. She could see her hands when she brought them up and the legs she stood on when she looked down. She still wore the pajamas she had on when she left through the portal.

When Zalli looked around herself, she noticed there was still darkness present surrounding the light.

“Nice lamp.”

The thing spoke in a monotone voice. Zalli ignored it and closed her eyes. She imagined in her mind a space that appeared cozy. She wanted a place where she could sit down if needed, but also something that was familiar.

Her living room materialized in her mind. Yet, it was not the same living room she left behind in the farmhouse. Though the aesthetics were similar, the placements of the furniture differed and it appeared smaller in floor space.

There was only one couch, which still faced her television, and there was the coffee table in between the two. A lamp remained on the right side of the TV, but her radio stood on the opposite end. The chair Ezi sat in all the time from her dream world was present as well. It was positioned by the radio, just as before. Even the carpet below her bare feet remained the same; medium brown background with florals designed throughout in dark tones of green and purple.

Zalli opened her eyes and saw her vision come to life. The only thing that was odd was the area surrounding her new space—it remained black in visibility.

“Homey.”

Although the thing’s voice was heard nearby, it was nowhere in sight.

With a soft sigh, the young woman pictured a person with her broad, slender figure. It had her long, blonde hair with blue highlights and her angular face.

Zalli wondered if she should have made the highlights pink like when she first analyzed her reflection only hours ago, but she settled on the blue for now.

She made sure to not understand what she was imagining was not her inherently; it was its own thing that was only a part of her.

She peeked one eye open to find no one in front of her. She only heard a heavy sigh nearby. Zalli closed her eyes again with the same person in mind. With her vivid memory, she added the piercing red eyes and wide smile the thing liked to carry. Its sharp teeth always seemed long and slender to her.

When Zalli peeked her eye open again, there stood what she assumed to be her shadow self. It was walking around the room without a care, wearing the outfit she had imagined on it; a blue flannel shirt hung on its shoulders as it framed the black tank top on its torso. Basic jeans and botas de vaquero completed the outfit.

Despite occasionally turning toward Zalli, it remained focused on the little trinkets it discovered on nearby living room shelves. It would crouch, pick up an item to turn it around for a critical analysis, then place it back down in a different spot.

Zalli said nothing, quizzical at the behavior of the thing before her. Although, with each item not returned to its original position, she could feel tension building in her neck and shoulders.

At the end of her patience, Zalli finally spoke to the thing meant to be the physical representation of her deep, subconscious thoughts.

“So, you are my shadow self, that is what I say you are.”

“Mhmm.”

“How do I accept you?”

“Ah, finally. This is what I am more interested in.” Her almost carbon copy stood up from its crouched position as it spoke. It turned to face Zalli completely, one hand placed on the hip it had shifted its weight onto. It brought the other hand up to inspect for any imperfections on its nails. “So you are done pushing me away and are ready to listen to what I have to say about you?”

“Uh, that’s it? I only need to agree with your thoughts and opinions about me?”

Zalli settled one hand to wrap around her other in front of her body. Her outer fingers tapped in succession in each other like waves on a lake shoreline.

“They are NOT thoughts and opinions. They are what I know. Do not think you can just lazily agree and be on your way. I will know whether your acceptance is genuine or not.”

Taken aback by the firm voice her shadow self had, Zalli turned away with a sharp turn to face the couch that was next to her.

“Oh ... okay. I, uh. I am ready to listen.”

She moved to sit down on the cushioned seat.

“You don’t do enough for your community.” The young woman halted with an abrupt collapse in her gut. She unknowingly held her breath. “Your fellow council member, Necalli, has more policies passed than you, so he must be more efficient at his job. He is more charming, more persuasive, and his rhetoric is incomparable.”

Zalli sat down. She said nothing to her copy; she did not even make direct eye contact with it. Her hands appeared relaxed on her lap, but the tension she held in her shoulders said otherwise. She took a moment to process the thing’s opening statement, but just as she finished repeating the words back in her mind, it began speaking again.

“Did you really think you could go up against an experienced politician like that? You must have thought your mamá’s reputation was enough to get you by. Just because nepotism was enough to get your foot in the door, that does not mean it will continue to allow you to float by, especially with your mamita gone.”

Zalli flinched. She threw a quick side-eye in its direction. She felt the need to retaliate with quick-witted words and unabashed confidence of her defense, but nothing appeared in her mind. Her voice was silent.

It was not like the thing was wrong. These were valid thoughts she had in the past. She had thought of them, but then pushed them away from her mind in what she considered as a deletion. Instead, her mind had stored them in a hidden archive that only her shadow self had access to.

It dissipated and appeared directly in front of Zalli. Using her peripherals, Zalli saw how it placed both its hands on its hips. It spoke with acid laced with its inflection.

“Each policy you make is a waste of time and they do not even benefit all the townspeople. There is always someone who is upset at the effects. You need to try harder to make everyone happy. It was something your mamá could do, effortlessly.” A rising heat grew in her face. The young woman squinted her eyes and felt her breath pick up in pace. “Too bad she died before she could pass any knowledge to you. Then, I bet, being on the council would be much easier. But, no. She left you alone to fend for yourself.”

Zalli’s eyes held a fierce glare as she fired it at her shadow self. At last, she spoke, but it was with the fire of her heart.

“Everything you just said is wrong. You are only repeating useless thoughts I have had before in the past. Every thought a person has had does not mean they are the concrete facts about themselves.”

Her red-eyed copy smiled. The corners of its mouth looked like they were curling in on themselves. Its eyes scrunched so much, Zalli swore she could only see its eyelashes, but the gleam of its eyes still peeked through.

It gave no response to what Zalli said; all it did was snap its fingers, which caused shadowed restraints to cover Zalli’s wrists and ankles. The restraints held her legs against the sofa seat and pulled her arms away from her body. They trapped her to the cushion of the backrest. Despite Zalli’s relentless efforts to pull free, she remained completely trapped.

When she turned to look at her shadow self, it continued on with its brutal speech.

“All she taught you was how to protect the kyanite stone. Which, I guess, you’re alright at.” With a sudden movement, the thing brought its face to tower directly over Zalli’s, forcing her to look up. Their foreheads were micrometers away from touching. “Why did she have to leave you alone, anyway? One minute she was there in your life, then suddenly her sickness took her away from you. She abandoned you.”

Zalli closed her eyes. Her heart tightened. She bit her lip as she detected water build up in her eyes. What she opened them again, she saw her shadow self had taken a step away from her.

No longer did it look identical in her appearance. Instead, its facial features appeared softer in flesh. Its jawline was more rounded and its cheeks had a plumpness to them. It was like it looked like what Zalli did when she was a teenager. When it spoke, its voice was higher in pitch by a slight difference.

“She left you alone in this cruel world, where favoritism is the master. You do not even talk about her so much. You must not have loved her a lot, either.” As it kept talking, Zalli saw how it shrunk in size until it reached the height of a young child. Its voice held more youth, yet the venom behind it never left. “I think the most you have ever said about her was to the handsome fellow, Cal. Your so-called friends do not even know a lot about her. You hide her away from your heart, and for what? Do you think hiding her existence from yourself will make it easier to accept her absence?”

A tear ran down Zalli’s face. She wanted to tell the thing her answer was no. Yet, Zalli knew the moment she did, it would be an absolute lie. She had assumed hiding her mamá’s death would make grieving her easier. After crying for a week after her death, she threw herself into work.

She was only contemplating becoming a council member like her mamá was previously—a job she could easily do with guarding the gemstone. When she thought she had grieved enough, she entered the government world of her town as an intern.

Of course, she still honored her mama’s memory; when it was the anniversary of her death, she would play her mama’s favorite music throughout the day. On Día de los Muertos, she would decorate her grave and leave her favorite foods there. She would even pay her mama weekly visits to her resting site. Zalli did everything that was expected of her to do.

More tears escaped in a slow procession.

While Zalli reminisced about her actions, her shadow self had grown back to its original height. Its identical face, that was expressive as it spoke to Zalli before, became stoic at this turn of the conversation.

“Why are the fairies always hanging around, anyway? Isn’t it so annoying when they come to your house like free loaders, always at unknown times? They have to be taking advantage of your hospitality.” The thing sneered at Zalli. “How pitiful. You are so lonely you let yourself be manipulated into handing over your home to three little fairies and expecting nothing in return.”

The young woman still felt her tears falling, but the heat from earlier returned. She pulled at her restraints again as she retaliated against the accusations.

“They are not free loaders! And why should I expect anything in return? Is companionship not enough? They have their own contributions in my life. They are my friends that offer me support, advice, jokes, and, yes, the occasional headaches. It’s true, sometimes we do not get along. Sometimes I wish to be alone when they barge in at unexpected times. But not all relationships are perfect.” As Zalli spoke, she did not notice the binds around her ankles were slowly disappearing. “And, you know what—yes, they take advantage of me, but I do the same in return. I ask them for favors that require them to use their powers to make my life easier here and there. At the end of the day ... we are there for each other. It’s okay to feel a little lonely, by the way. I am someone who wants to have their friends around.”

Zalli moved her legs around to adjust her position, but the realization of her ankle’s freedom did not reach her. Her shadow self’s next words absorbed her attention.

“So then, what about Cal? You were lonely enough to allow him into your home when you only knew him as a stranger. What kind of justified promiscuous behavior is that?” Zalli turned her head away. She could not hide the blush appearing on her cheeks, but she could at least hide her shameful gaze from the thing. “Even now, your desperation for sex is strong. You still lust after him, even though you know what he is actually after. I am sure he is not even attracted to you at all. He just used you for his pleasure. And now, because of your weak will and lack of self-control, he is going to take the precious kyanite your town values so much.”

“That’s-that’s right. I am still attracted to him. Is it not okay to have this attraction, especially when it seems like it is out of my control?”

Her shadow self said nothing, but it did not continue to speak. It waited for Zalli to arrive at her own conclusion.

Her eyes wandered around as she wondered how she should answer her own question. As she took calming breaths, a decision settled within herself—it was the answer she was searching for that only appeared because she felt it from deep within, and not by forcing it out through logical analysis.

“It is alright,” she said in a steady voice. “My attraction is valid, because in some ways we are compatible. But even with that, I will not hand over the stone.”

The copy looked at her wrists with a brief glance as it saw the restraints around Zalli’s wrists had become transparent. Its expression remained serious, but it spoke in a bored voice.

“I think you should just give it to him. The visits of the townspeople have decreased over the years. You’ve noticed the trend yourself. They have lost their appreciation for it.”

Zalli shook her head in a disagreement. The restraints were returning to its opaque dark shade.

“Yes, I know that.” Zalli’s statement caused the restraints to pause in their transition. “I cannot surrender my duty, though, even as fewer people visit.”

The shadow self looked at Zalli with a knowing gaze. Silence filled the room; no one spoke. The young woman had a soft look in her eyes while she observed her doppelgänger purse its lips.

Zalli figured out her copy would not respond to her words—that it would continue its never-ending rant. So she waited. She waited with calming breaths and hoped that whatever else it had to say would be enough for her to manage.

Chapter 23

Previous Episode: Zalli finally met with the shadow she kept seeing within her mirrors only to feel confusion and frustration from talking with it. Now: She continues the conversation with the intent to free herself from her physical and mental restraints.

Ren RogueMichelle Alva